Look At Me! But not when I’m driving.

Humans have an innate need to look each other in the eye. There are many articles about primates and other animals and looking each other in the eyes. It can be used as a form of dominance, with the weaker animal looking away. Staring at someone in the eyes can come across as aggressive.

Eye gaze can be used as part of a diagnosis of autism. Many high functioning autistic people have to learn to look people in the eye because it’s not instinctive for the neuro-atypical. I equate this to not quite growing out of that stage when we’re young and we realize we can see things in peripheral vision, sometimes more clearly than when it’s right in front of us. For example, consider looking at comets in the night sky. If you look beside the comet, it’s easier to see the actual comet than if you look directly at it. Some people aren’t comfortable or don’t see a need to make eye contact, or they’ll make eye contact and then assume it’s ok to look off to the side for the rest of the conversation.

Sometimes lack of making eye contact is interpreted that the person is uncomfortable, upset, dishonest; really almost always a negative connotation rather than a positive.

Mostly though, eye gaze is how we know someone is in an active listening role or actively participating in a conversation, especially if it’s a small, intimate setting. A tête-à-tête is the perfect time to practice good eye-gaze protocol. It’s not only acceptable to look someone directly in the eye, but somewhat crucial to maintain the intimacy of the conversation. Even in a group conversation, meeting someone’s eyes can help the speaker gauge if the other person is listening, or at least receptive to what is being said.

All this is my way of setting up the following statement.

Please don’t try to make direct eye contact with me when I’m driving, or even more importantly, whenever  you are driving, and I’m stuck in a vehicle with you, because it means you’re taking your eyes off the road. Dude, I will not meet your eyes if one of us is driving. Just don’t even try. I promise, I’m listening.